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Wednesday, January 9, 2008

I Have Been Here Before and Failed!!!!!!!!!!

Since the beginning of my journey, I repeated to myself that I am not on a diet. I simply just eat healthy now. There is no way to fall off the diet, blow it, backslide, or whatever since I am not on a diet. Now and then, I can have a piece of cake, or some nachos, or a slice of pizza. That is okay. That worked pretty darned good...until Christmas.

So I had a couple of cookies...no big deal. Who cares? I still exercised. I ate healthy otherwise. Then a few days later I had a couple more. It was okay. I worked hard. A couple more cookies wasn't a problem. Then we went to my in-laws for a couple of days. They made pancakes and bacon for breakfast and had desserts after every lunch and dinner. I ate in moderation.

Then we came back home. I started eating little treats each day. Some chocolate here, some cookies there, some ice cream over there. Again, it was not without abandon. I was not eating like I used to.

But then it hit me. Deja vu. I was in this place before (five years ago). I had turned my life around. I was eating well. I was exercising. A little treat here and there soon turned into an every day thing. Then came the binges. I would eat a lot one day then lay low for the rest of the week. The scale wasn't too bad to me. Soon the binging was more frequent. Then next thing I knew, I was eating tons of horrible food every day, not exercising and weighing 115 lbs. heavier. I had been here before and failed!!!!!!!

So how is this time going to be any different? Thankfully, most of the junk has been consumed...no not by me, by the kids...well some by me. But I have stopped. No more little treats here and there each day. I need to get that crap outta my system. Rebalance the chemicals and all that crap. I am not so sure it's resolve or willpower. I don't put much stock in those. I think it's fear. The recognition that I had been here before and failed, scared me. Of course, it didn't change anything for a few days, but now it has. I can't let all I have done go down the tubes now.

I think the blogging has helped too. Though I originally was using it as a way to be accountable to myself, I must admit that there is a bit of pride involved. I would feel too ashamed to come so far publicly to publicly fail. I don't want to be like those bloggers who are gung ho for a little while but then fade away and eventually shut down their blogs. I want to be a success. I want to continue to be fit. I want to lose the excess poundage.

Besides, I have thrown away my old clothes and cannot afford to buy them again...because, I already have new clothes. I was thrilled a couple of weeks ago when I walked into a GAP and could buy clothes off the rack. Granted they were 2x, but GAP is like a regular clothing store. Also, my wife bought me an XL button down shirt and size 42 pants for Christmas. She bought them to be incentive to keep losing weight. She was a little miffed that I could already fit into them. Sure they were a little tight, but doable. I decided not to wear them into February. Hopefully, she will feel a little better about that.

I am getting pretty close to a couple of goals. I am close to 265 lbs. which is what I got down to last time. Actually, I think I have been there because that was my weight according to my old spring scale which currently weighs me around 261. The digital scale is the one I take my readings from now and I believe that it is more accurate. My other goal is to wear pants sizes that start with a 3. I hope to get to the first goal by the end of the month. The second goal by summer.

With all these things going on, I plan to succeed where I previously failed especially because now...

Living Fit Is My #1 Job!

10 comments:

angelfish24 said...

I know what you mean by having a few more treats here and there. I've done that since September due to stress and other things and lost it big time. I applaud you in the way that you just said 'this has to stop' and are doing it. I wish I would have done that a few months ago and now I have to deal with the wt gain damage. Ugghhhh.
Way to go on your 2007 weight loss, that is impressive and an inspiration.

Christopher Maples said...

Dude, great post! I can't tell you how much it helps me to hear that other people are having the same struggles I am. You're a great inspiration to me.

Rock out those new clothes, man! I'm finally able to start getting the wardrobe I've only ever dreamed of, and I love it!!

cmae said...

Well said! Isn't it puzzling trying to figure out what keeps us moving forward? Like, why is this time different? Could be the blogging, could be that it's just time. Who knows? Thanks for this post and for being so open.

Half Man said...

Thank for you kind words.

Angel- I know it's hard to get going again, but you would feel worse if you didn't start up again.

Chris- Nobody is perfect. We all struggle. I constantly play mind games with myself to get by.

cmae- What keeps us going probably varies.

la que escribe said...

very good blog. congratulations, from Chile.

Kim Ayres said...

Superb!

Yes! You have learned and moved forward! I'm punching the air for you!

Christmas always screws us up. You cannot come out unscathed, but you can grab control back and continue. It not blown forever. To have gained that insight is a major step forward.

I am seriously proud of you Half Man

Half Man said...

lqe - Thanks for visiting and posting.

Kim - Thanks for the encouragement. I just hope that what I know in my head translates to my actions. That's the tough part.

Nona said...

This was a very inspiring post!!! WOW!!! I really identify with your description of the backslide and I admire your determination in stopping it before it took you back to a place you don't want to be.

It's incredible how insidious this food thing is. Vigilance and consistency (i.e. not making too many exceptions) seem critical to success.

I loved what you said about blogging and not wanting to be one of those bloggers who start with a bang then fade then disappear. I feel the same way.

I actually started to blog (and I'm none to proud of this) because I knew that the threat of losing face in front of a bunch of people was more likely to keep me on track than being accountable to myself in private. Sad but true.

Half Man said...

nona - Whatever it takes to get us going even if it is simple pride.

Jasmine Blyden said...

Has anyone heard of or checked out thedailyskinny.com blog yet? This was an article on losing belly fat that I really liked… just thought I'd share.